Temptation/The first of January is the day I die

Ladies and Gentlemen, its almost August and because we’re so nice we’ll be serving you another double dose this morning. First up is the shortest excerpt in the series, the shortest opinion piece I have ever read and we have captioned it ‘Temptation’. Our second offering is more traditional (in more ways than one), enjoy!

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— O.O

“The castaways do not entice with things you do not desire, temptation is the battle you fight against yourself, against the flesh and many often lose because they are unaware that they are at war. His people perish for lack of knowledge”

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The first day of January is the day I die. The first day of the year is the last day of my life. That little irony gives me a reason to smile. I desperately need that. A reason to smile.

I was born on the 1st day of January 1990. 23 years ago, to the day. They say I smiled a lot when I was a child. I can imagine it, I have seen the baby pictures. I was chubby with rosy cheeks, looking like a damn energizer bunny. I look nothing like that now.

I’m lying on my back on the floor of my bedroom wearing nothing but my socks. She’s kneeling over me. Her head is blocking the lightbulb. I mentally will her to move so I can see it. My vision is starting to blur around the edges and I need something to focus on. She’s calling my name over and over, I wish I could respond.

She places her head against my chest to listen for a heartbeat, thankfully I can see the light bulb now. So I’m lying there, paralysed, staring at the little golden orb on the ceiling while she sobs and tries to call for help. That’s when P.H.C.N strikes, bastards. The room is dark, no light but the feeble illumination from the screen of the phone she now has pressed to her ear. Shes trying to call for help.

I know I’m going to die and even though I meant it when I told her that I would gladly die for her, I never imagined that it would actually happen and even if, not like this. Another irony. Another reason to smile. I can hear the intermittent tones that signify that another phone somewhere is ringing. It drags on as though endlessly, no response from the other end of the line and when the tones expire, so do I.

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The first day of January is the day I lose my virginity. I am going to do it because I love him. Because he completes me. I told him everything. About the rape and the threats and he still wanted me. He still loved me. He was incensed. He wanted to fight my battle, to set me free. I couldn’t let him, there were other lives involved.

I am not your average virgin, you might say that I’m not even a virgin. My hymen was broken when I was 15 but I have never had sex voluntarily with anyone. Not even with myself. My father started raping me 7 years ago, since the night my mother died.

Once, with the stench of alcohol suffocating me, my father told me that I belonged to him, that he had made sure of it. That any man who loved me would die. I told the one I love about it the next day, he asked me to leave home. I could afford to but my youngest sister had just turned 15. I wanted to end our relationship, he wanted to go further. I told him it wasn’t safe but he said our love was stronger than empty threats, and if it were true, he would gladly die for the sake of our love.

So today is the day I lose my virginity, voluntarily, lying on my back, on his bed enjoying the way it feels to bear his weight. I can feel his socks tickle my feet. He did weird things like that all the time. Those weird things make me smile.

I can feel him pushing into me, slowly, gently. It doesn’t hurt. I fight the urge to cringe. He stops to kiss my forehead and nibble on my ears. I feel tears roll down my cheeks but they aren’t tears of pain, anguish or even resignation. All I feel is bliss.

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The first day of January is the day I find salvation. I have found peace. Its been 7 years since I last felt comfortable in my own skin. Since I was able to sleep peacefully. I blamed God for taking my wife from me. She died giving birth to my 4th child. The child who would have been my first son. The son who was stillborn.

That night I emptied every beer can I had in the fridge then stumbled up to my kids’ room. My eldest daughter was still up. She was fiddling with her phone. I picked her off her bed, carried her out of the room, tossed her onto mine and defiled my own daughter. I could tell that she thought it was a game when I picked her up. She never made that mistake again.

I came for her every night after that except she slept over at an aunt’s or was on campus for one reason or the other in the years that followed. Every night. Last night I was on my way home to do it again when I tripped in front of a church. The overzealous ushers at the gate picked me up and carried me inside. I couldn’t stand without falling down again, so I sat there and listened to the sermon for the church’s crossover service.

The message of God’s love and the chance to start over touched me in a place that had been dead for 7 years. I cried. My tears tasted like beer. The things I had done. The monster I was. Defiling my own child. Forcing her act the role of wife to me as well as mother to her siblings. Even more tying her to me. The poor thing had no idea.

Once, I saw the neighbour’s son look at her lustfully, in my blind, misguided rage I visited a priest and had him place magun on her. I had to ensure that the only man who plundered her and lived long enough to remember it, was me. The padlock was under my bed. The man had told me that to set her free, all I had to do was unlock it.

Today is the day I have found my salvation. It is the day I will set my daughter free. I had pulled out the padlock when I got home but I fell asleep on the floor of my bedroom with it in my hand. My sleep was peaceful and long. For the first time in 7 years.

When I woke up a few minutes ago, it was already dark. I’m sitting on the floor of my bedroom with my phone in my hand and a smile on my face. There are 3 missed calls from my daughter. She never calls. Ever. It must be a good sign. A new beginning. I turn the key and unlock the padlock, hit the ‘send’ button and bring my phone to my ear. My daughter is free.